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Archives for : relationships

Strong feelings… weak knees

It’s funny how admitting to a weakness can somehow make one feel empowered, stronger. I’ve recently come to realize that this is difficult for me to do.

I became single about a year ago, and I’ve been doing a pretty good job of avoiding relationships since then. I’m not avoiding women… just commitment – at any level.

Honestly, I thought it was intentional – that I was in control of it. I realize now that it wasn’t because I “wanted to be single” or that I didn’t like “being tied down”… I was waiting, I just didn’t know it.
You see, my former girlfriend re-entered my life in a completely platonic way. Suddenly, I realized that all I wanted was to pick up where we left off. I wanted what we used to have… before everything changed.

I had been waiting for her. Waiting for something that may not have ever happened. Why? I don’t know… call it love.

What’s important here, is that I should NOT have been waiting. I don’t think it would’ve made too much of a difference in the end, but it’s the principle of the matter.

It would be SO EASY to pick up where we left off… the pet names and intimacy come so naturally… but things are different now. Sure, it’s only been a few months, but she’s grown, I can see it, and she’s still growing, and so am I. Honestly, I think I need to finish getting over her before I can start a new relationship with her.

I know where a relationship with her will take me, which is why I can’t do it with her. Not yet, anyways. Not until I’m confident that it takes her to the same place. Furthermore, and perhaps more importantly, I need to be sure that when I get back to that place, I’m ready for it.